Meeting Wet Willie
by Barbellenel
Summary: Rangiku discovers who Wet Willie is the hard way, courtesy of Hisagi and Kira, and decides to get even in her own unique way. Hitsugaya, Hisagi, Kira, Renji. Humor; One-shot. Originally M - Wanted a T rating, so I made a few changes.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach; I only torture someone else's characters. Why? Because it's fun...**

**This is a one-shot. I originally had this story with an M rating, but I changed a few things in order to use the T rating. Hopefully, I changed enough. Let me know if I didn't, and I'll change it back. **

**Please review if you are so inclined, or even if you are sitting up. Thanks!**

* * *

"Captain, do you know who Wet Willie is?"

Captain Hitsugaya looked up from his paperwork at the buxom blond across the room. "Why do you ask, Matsumoto?"

"It was the oddest thing. I saw several members of our squad running after each other yelling, 'Wet Willie, Wet Willie.' I was just wondering who he was."

"You don't know?" chortled an amused Hitsugaya.

"No sir. Do you?"

"Yes, I do, Matsumoto. In fact, I could show you Wet Willie, but I don't think, given our command relationship, that such information should come from me. Why don't you go and ask some of your Shinigami friends? Ask Hisagi. He probably knows."

"Yes, you're right. Shuuhei is a man of the world. He'll be able to tell me who Wet Willie is. Permission to leave, Captain?"

"You're asking permission to leave? That's a first."

"Otherwise, I'll just take a nap."

"Go."

* * *

Matsumoto Rangiku, vice captain of the tenth division, headed over to the ninth division office where she knew Vice Captain Hisagi Shuuhei would probably be doing his own paperwork. As she approached the office, she heard voices from inside, laughing merrily. The words 'knockers' and 'bootylicious' drifted through the air to her ears. Almost certain that they were talking about her 'assets,' she knocked on the door, opened it without waiting for a response and went in.

"Oh, hello, Ran," said Shuuhei pleasantly. "Kira and I were just…" He gave an embarrassed grin to the tall blond male sitting in the chair opposite him. "Maybe I shouldn't tell, ne? What can I do for you?"

"I have a question for you," she said impatiently. "Obviously, you're a man of the world, Shuuhei, so I need an answer to a very pressing question."

Surprised, Shuuhei intoned with mock seriousness, "You've come to the right place, my dear. Doctor Hisagi is in the building. Just put yourself in my capable hands, and your problems will be all over. My hands," he leered, "will be all over as well."

She slammed her fists onto her hips and glared. "This is serious, Shuuhei, if you can't help me, I'll just ask someone else." Her gaze shifted to the blond, Kira Izuru, vice captain of the third. "And I don't mean you. You're just as bad. You look like a lamb, but you're really a wolf in disguise. I thought you could help me, but obviously not."

In a huff, she turned to leave, but Hisagi beat her to the door, blocking her way.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry, Rangiku. I was teasing. I didn't mean anything by it. Honest."

"Pity," she said with a sensual pout, running a finger under his chin, "It might have been fun."

Hisagi's jaw dropped to the floor. Everyone in Soul Society knew of his crush on her. She continued, "I was teasing, too. Fun, isn't it?" she said angrily.

"Alright, you win!" Hisagi muttered. His hands warm upon her shoulders, he locked eyes with her. "So, what did you want to ask me?" he said quietly.

"I want to know who Wet Willie is," she replied.

"Wet Willie, you say?" Hisagi glanced sideways at Kira who had left his chair to join them by the door. Kira was on her left; Shuuhei was on her right.

"That's what I said, Wet Willie. Do you know or not?"

Hisagi began slowly, "Well, Ran, you see, Wet Willie is not a he; it's an it."

"He is? I mean, it is?"

"Sure," said Kira, sticking his index finger in his mouth. "Wet Willie is something you do to people."

She looked at Kira as he sensuously sucked on his finger. "Why are you doing that?" she asked, alarm bells going off in her head.

"Relax, Ran," said Shuuhei, likewise sucking on his index finger. "So you want to know about Wet Willie, huh? Let's teach her, Kira!"

Hisagi and Kira descended upon the hapless Rangiku, filling her ears with saliva as they drilled their wet fingers into her ears.

"Wet Willie, Wet Willie," they sang together, the tears of laughter flowing freely from their eyes as they crowded around her head, pushing her down the wall.

"ACH! Leave me alone, you perverts. That was gross!" Rangiku threw them off and scrambled to her feet before they could initiate another onslaught of Wet Willie. She grabbed Kira's sleeve in an attempt to wipe off their spittle. "That was gross!" she repeated, extremely annoyed.

"You're the one that wanted to know about Wet Willie," guffawed Shuuhei, enjoying her discomfort a little more than he should have.

"You could have just told me! You didn't have to demonstrate!" she protested.

"Yes, we did. It was priceless! You should have seen the look on your face when we stuck our fingers in your ears!" Hisagi slapped Kira on the back.

Kira laughed, "You looked like you just saw Mayuri in a Speedo!" He faked a shiver.

Shuuhei looked at her with an impish grin. "Come on, Ran. It was just a joke. Lighten up, huh?"

"You're right, Shuuhei. I did ask, didn't I?" she said in a much calmer tone to hide the simmer underneath. "Well, thanks for showing me, boys. I'll never make the mistake of asking about Wet Willie again." With a slightly forced chuckle, she exited the ninth division, wiping at her wet hair. The words 'easy target' floated to her ears through the closed door.

"I'll get you, Hisagi. That was totally uncalled for. I'll get you," and as she thought about the world-wise Shinigami with the 69 on his face, a plan began to formulate.

* * *

Several days later, after successfully dodging Wet Willie attempts wherever she went, Rangiku set her plan in motion. It was obvious that everyone had heard. Kira tended to have a big mouth, and Hisagi had enjoyed himself a little too much to stay quiet about it. She had vowed to get even. The opportunity came at the next vice captain's meeting.

Matsumoto sat down next to Hisagi on purpose. Once she was settled, he looked at her tentatively, knowing that she had every right to still be angry. "We cool here, Ran?" he asked, feeling a bit guilty for having enjoyed himself immensely at her expense over the past few days.

"Sure, Shuuhei, everything's fine. It was just a joke, you know? I don't hold grudges," she said, _as long as I get my revenge._

The meeting was progressing as they discussed various issues of importance. Renji gave a report on long distance fighting techniques for the benefit of those with far-reaching zanpakutou like his.

Yachiru gave a report on guerilla tactics using a candy store that they all knew from the real world as part of the scenario. As she talked about securing the perimeter and the ethics of taking spoils of war (which she was for, especially at candy stores), Hisagi felt something warm running up his leg. He glanced under the table to discover that it was Rangiku's foot, and it kept advancing. He pushed it down to a decent level and looked at her, wide-eyed.

She smiled and said simply, "I'll introduce you to my friend, Slippery Susie, later on," then blew him a small, but potent kiss.

Hisagi turned his head back towards Yachiru, but his attention stayed with the woman sitting next to him over his left shoulder. Who or what was Slippery Susie? He didn't have a clue, but as Rangiku blew air softly on the back of his neck, he was getting more and more anxious to find out.

When the meeting finally adjourned, he grabbed her hand and headed to the nearest supply closet. Once inside, the pawing started, and it was all Rangiku could do to hold him back.

"Slow down, loverboy. Let's just take it easy, shall we?" she cooed. "Don't worry, you'll get it soon enough." The double meaning was lost on Shuuhei.

The glazed look in his eyes told her that he was hers to toy with. She ran a hand inside his shirt and pulled herself close to him. The black-haired Shinigami groaned in anticipation.

He leaned against the wall, completely surrendering to her touch, as she kissed his neck, running her mouth up and down his Adam's apple. Finally, she purred in his ear, her hot breath exciting his senses. "Would you like to meet Slippery Susie now?"

"Yes," he nodded, "Oh, yes."

"Good," she said with a wicked grin. Brusquely and rapidly, she stuck her tongue into his ear canal as far as it would go, swirling it around, in a bizarre act that would have had the French on their feet in thunderous applause.

"There! That's Slippery Susie! Got you back, Shinigami!" she shouted in his face. She shoved herself off him and slammed the supply closet door behind her in triumph.

Her walk back to the tenth was exhilarating. "Now, we're cool."

* * *

For Hisagi Shuuhei, finding his way to his feet turned out to be difficult. He felt as drained as if he had encountered Ayasegawa's zanpakutou again, although he had enjoyed his encounter with Rangiku much more. Renji and Kira had witnessed Rangiku's exit and had headed straight to the supply closet, only to find a thoroughly overheated Hisagi wondering what had just happened to him. His ear felt wet and violated, but at the same time, he couldn't ignore the excitement that she had stirred in him. Kira and Renji helped him off the floor, exchanging glances, as Shuuhei tried to explain his take on what had just happened.

* * *

After her revenge on Hisagi, Rangiku had felt very pleased with herself, so pleased in fact that she had gone back to the office and tackled her paperwork willingly. Hitsugaya was surprised, but decided not to ask questions. He was just thankful the work was getting done at last.

At the sound of someone clearing his throat outside the office, the captain looked up from his desk towards the door. Since he wasn't expecting anyone, he asked, "Matsumoto, were you expecting visitors?"

She looked up from the paperwork that she was completing. "No, Captain, at least not until he regains his senses. Who is it?"

"I don't know, but the throat clearing is getting annoying. Find out who it is."

"Yes, Captain."

Masumoto walked to the door to find Kira and Renji standing with a group of anxious Shinigami.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

Renji began, "Hisagi told us about your friend."

"What friend?" she asked, genuinely puzzled.

"You know," said Kira with an exaggerated wink, "Slippery Susie."

"We were all hoping for an introduction," added Renji with a goofy grin, "like the one you gave Hisagi."

The other men in attendance murmured their approvals, and soon a chant arose, "Slippery Susie…Slippery Susie...Slippery Susie…"

Rangiku, flustered, turned to her captain with pleading eyes.

Hitsugaya rose from his desk, grabbed his katana and headed to the door. He gently pushed Rangiku out of his way. The temperature outside the doorway fell instantly to sub-zero. "All of you, get away from my door," growled Hitsugaya, "unless you want to be frozen where you stand and given to the kitchen staff for the lunch buffet in the cafeteria."

It didn't take long for the congestion in the tenth division doorway to clear out. Hitsugaya's zanpakutou was scary enough, but the mere mention of the cafeteria staff had struck terror in the hearts of brave men, for here was truly the most frightening of all in the Seireitei.

After the crowd of Shinigami had left, Hitsugaya asked, "What is this about, Matsumoto? What did those men want, and who is Slippery Susie?"

She turned to him and asked, "Do you really want to know, Captain?"

"Yes, I do," he replied.

"Well, she's a lot more fun than Wet Willie. Let me show you."

* * *

As the group of rejected, grumbling Shinigami headed off across the central courtyard, an agitated and flustered voice was heard coming from the tenth division headquarters.

"MATSUMOTO!!"


End file.
